


Falling

by Aurum_Auri



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant?, Depression, Detroit, Hope, Introspection, Looking through a dark mirror, Post Sochi Grand Prix, Regret, Suicidal Thoughts, crippling anxiety - Freeform, feelings of failure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 07:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10328729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurum_Auri/pseuds/Aurum_Auri
Summary: When a person stands at the edge of a cliff side, looking down, there's a part of the brain that demands safety, security. It demands a step back from the edge.Yuuri Katsuki doesn't have that part.OR: Anxiety is a bitch.





	

When a person stands at the edge of a cliff side, looking down, there's a part of the brain that demands safety, security. It demands a step back from the edge.  
  
Yuuri Katsuki doesn't have that part.  
  
Or maybe he does. But it's falling, drowning, left to rot in silence. It's been overwhelmed by louder voices and he can't hear it anymore. Instead he hears another part.

It's the part that hears the sound of a train coming, feels the soft vibration of the earth, and takes a step onto the tracks, eyes open and morbidly curious. It's what leads him to scenic bridges overlooking shallow rivers and calls him to the bottom like a song.  
  
It's what he needs to know the truth. Yuuri Katsuki isn't good enough. He never has been, and he never will be.  
  
Yuuri Katsuki is a failure. Redemption is a fairy story, a character arc found in the movies that happy people watch to feel a little less happy for a short while, and then feel even better when finished. God, it was so played out. And the worst part of all is that he knows, above all else, that ending it isn't what he needs to do.  
  
Fuck, he wants to. Every drag of his nails down his skin to bring him back to earth, when his head is lost in misery and his body wracked by muffled sobs, reminds him of the potential. The merit of the idea.  Peace at last, it would be so wonderful. The dark abyss beckons like a siren out of a Greek myth.  
  
Yuuri isn't spiritual. Most in Japan aren't, and that's okay. Yuuri doesn't judge. Maybe every religion is right and maybe none of them are. Yuuri doesn't care. It isn't his to deal with. That's for other people to worry about. There's no hang ups or fears of hell holding him back.  Nothing is stopping him.  
  
Except he knows he can't.  
  
It's a thought he clutches close, no matter how bad things get. Shit, the Drano would make a delicious milkshake. But he doesn't get out of bed. Too cold. He forgot to turn the heater on. Detroit in the winter is cold and the blankets are warm enough to stay inside forever.  
  
Killing himself accomplishes nothing. He knows of friends of friends who've offed themselves. He's seen what the outcome is. He can see both sides of it, crystal clear and glittering like the ice coating the trees just beyond the frosty window panes.  
  
The freedom. The loss of responsibilities of the future. What the hell even was the future? Yuuri couldn't see it. Even if he didn't retire, kept skating a few more years, then what?  
  
Yuuri's never even been on a date. 23 and he's never kissed anyone. Not that he hasn't had offers. They were far and few to be sure, but he had some dignity, however slight, and they just weren't right. And if they were, well, how could he bear to force his presence on them? That wasn't fair to them.  
  
Yuuri kept his problems quiet for a reason, because people didn't need to be bothered by it, and also because of that last stupid bit of pride that said that getting help was like giving up. A relationship meant showing everything, even the dirty, messy bits that no one wanted to see.  
  
What if he wet his hands and jammed a fork into the electrical socket? Dropped a small appliance into the bathtub.  
  
Shit, he needs help. The anxiety's just like a weight sitting on his chest, so heavy that he can't breathe, and yet the thought of talking about it, saying anything to anyone, stops him in his tracks. What would they even say? He's pathetic. Life has been so good so far, why be so childish as to throw it all away like this?  
  
But if he did end it all...  
  
His parents love him. He knows that. He knows all he has to do is say the words and he can come home, no questions asked. They'll support anything. If he died... Well, they loved him unquestionably. Wasn't it obvious?  
  
His sister would be disappointed and upset if he was gone. She and Yuuri fought sometimes, but they were a united front. A team. How could Yuuri take that away?  
  
Phichit would be devastated. He was the closest thing Yuuri had to a friend. Hell, he'd even offered to date Yuuri out of pity. They mutually decided they didn't want to make things weird. Phichit couldn't even handle losing a hamster. That had been a hard month for Phichit, and he'd only pulled together for the sake of his other three hamsters. How would he take Yuuri being gone?  
  
And yet. The smell of bleach cleaner was giving him ideas, and he had to bury his head in the scent of his pillows to ignore it.  
  
It's so simple, in words. He's got anxiety. It sounds like he's someone who's not so good at managing his stress, and everything else is normal. He's in college, he's got so much potential. A few rough years mean nothing. But damn if every day didn't feel like he was making backwards progress toward his future, digging himself deeper into a pit he could never escape from.  
  
At least he couldn't see himself in the mirror. Nothing made him want to jump off the deep end worse than seeing the way his cheeks were fatter than ever, how his jeans were so tight he didn't even wear them. The sweatpants were all that fit anymore. He can't stop drowning his sorrows in food and it only makes the matter worse.  
  
Why did his dog have to die? Why did he have to fuck up so badly? Why does he have to exist? Victor Nikiforov didn't even recognize him as a competitor, and for good reason.  And then, even as he sits there thinking all of this through, Yuuri knows one thing.  
  
He'll calm down. Take a step back. And it's like he's normal. He can go out in public, even if he hates it. Even if all he wants to do is stay inside and watch videos of Victor skating, even if it makes him feel even worse than before when he goes to bed and realizes he's done nothing else all day.  
  
It's like he's normal. And no one can see how hard it is at night when Yuuri just wants to sleep. Except he can't.  
  
Yuuri sees the edge of the cliff. The voice in his head screams to jump. Maybe it's another failure that he doesn't. But for today, he turns his face. Laces his skates. It takes all the small things just to get through the day, one step at a time.  
  
There's a lightness in his chest as he steps onto the ice. Not falling. Flying.  
  
Maybe there's still hope.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to say this is pure fiction, but it isn't. I was not in a good place when I wrote this, and I couldn't even edit it for weeks to give it the happier ending. But things aren't so bad. Remember that nothing is worth your life. Even if you have to fixate on a goal and take one day at a time, know that you CAN get through the day. And if that isn't enough, don't be afraid to get help. 
> 
> Stay safe, everyone!


End file.
